Some One Liners
• A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!
• A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
• Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"
• An application for job came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".
• What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked."No idea, said Ville.""When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins."
• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINKThe next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!
• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
• Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep.""I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
• Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.Student: WOW !
• People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,People who do less work...make less mistakes,People who do no work...make no mistakes,People who make no mistakes...get promoted.
• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
• Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.
• Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
• Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
• Mom: Where r u off to now?Son: I`m gonna join the army.Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.
• Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar."Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
• In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.
• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
• A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
• Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"
• An application for job came in with an applicant's picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: "Picture on front".
• What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked."No idea, said Ville.""When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks, that's when the real war begins."
• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINKThe next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign, and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!
• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
• Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep.""I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
• Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.Student: WOW !
• People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,People who do less work...make less mistakes,People who do no work...make no mistakes,People who make no mistakes...get promoted.
• May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
• Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a lawyer.
• Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
• Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
• Mom: Where r u off to now?Son: I`m gonna join the army.Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.
• Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar."Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
• In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.
• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
posted by Ankit Biswas at
12:03 AM
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